The above quote is by Susan Chernak McElroy, in the 1998 Veterinary Times. She is one of the contributors to this article.

Parents often don't tell children a pet is ill or may die soon in order to protect the children from experiencing the trauma of death. In addition, adults often hide their own personal grief from children. A child's absence is frequently planned, while the family goes through the euthanasia and burial process. Upon returning, the child is told the pet "ran away."

Scientists suggest this approach stems from a "protection philosophy" that is the current trend concerning a child's knowledge of illness, injury, and death. This is a part of our death-denying culture.

There is a risk to this approach. The more a child is denied understanding about the "mystery of death" the more she/he will use her/his imagination to concoct an answer. This can mean the longer children are left to their own devices, the more difficult it will be to correct coping beliefs and/or inappropriate behaviors.

Experts say that a child's unattended loss and grief can cause anger, guilt, denial, sleeplessness, and a loss of appetite. If these signs persist, professionally-trained grief counselors may be needed.

Age Determines Understanding
A publication by Jennifer Brandt, PhD, provides these insights:
--Infant to Age 3. Children in this range don't understand what death is, yet they can and do grieve. They usually won't remember the deceased pet, and they react first to emotions of separation and abandonment.

--Ages 3-5: These children often view death as temporary. Preschoolers are concrete thinkers and heaven, for example, is a difficult abstraction to understand. These children tend to question the causes of death and may believe the loss is punishment for something they have done.

Recommendations: Answer questions about death using simple, straight language, e.g., choose "died" over "passed." Use age-appropriate books about death as teaching tools. Encourage playing, talking, drawing, and other creative ways to express emotion.

--Ages 5-8: This range can go up to 10 years of age. These children have begun to understand death as final, but they still may have difficulties imagining death personally, or comprehending abstractions like "gone away" or heaven. The children tend to visualize death as an entity, such as an angel or monster. Parents can expect concrete questions and curiosity of what death looks like physically.

Recommendations: Encourage the children to honor their pet's life by recalling memories and creating mementos like photo albums or scrapbooks. Ask a child what part of the decision-making/euthanasia process he or she might want to be involved in, and permit the choice made.

--Ages 9-12: Pre-teens understand death is final, personal, and happens to everyone. Parents can expect questions of an almost morbid curiosity. Children may question religious beliefs and be concerned about their own death. Some behaviors include denial, fear, and repressed anger.

Recommendations: Be patient and give children continued opportunities to express themselves. Encourage children to make keepsakes or write creatively about their feelings. Include them, and allow all involvement they choose in the pet's death, but don't force participation.

--Ages 13-16: Scientific studies show teenagers experience grief more intensely than any other age group. As in previous groups, some children crossover to other age brackets. The behaviors of teens can be easily misjudged. They frequently share only with their closest friends. As adolescents, they want to be respected.

Recommendation: Encourage teens to participate in all activities associated with a pet's dying and death.

General Guidelines
--Create a comfortable environment for any and all discussions with children about their pet.
--Avoid telling children not to cry or attributing suffering and death to punishment and sin.
--Allow the children to express themselves naturally and emotionally. Adult rituals/expressions may not be meaningful to children.
--Encourage children to contribute to any memorial services in their own way.
--Help children create as many thoughtful expressions throughout any ceremony. The action aids in the healing process. E.g., Light candles, plant flowers/tree, paint a rock headstone, or write poems for an eulogy.
--Don't rush to replace a dead pet with a new one. Allow children time to heal. Waiting also teaches a child that relationships are unique and non-replaceable.

"You may discover the thoughts and reactions of your children's are similar to your own. Do not be alarmed; these are human reactions to loss and we were all children once."
--Hospice of Humbolt Bereavement Services                     --By Jules Witek

Editor's Note: This article is based on the work of Dr. Jennifer Brandt. She is the Coordinator of the "Honoring the Bond" program at The Ohio State College of Veterinary Medicine. Her subjects include "Pet Loss: The special grief of children; Coping with the death of a pet; Guiding clients through difficult decisions; Pet euthanasia)." She lectures across the U.S. to pet-owner groups and veterinary professionals.